Article for the Young and Dumb

Dun dun dun dun...It is time for PETA to teach us how we can get active.....I hope your ready, 'cuz I'm ready to learn.

In the article "Activism for the mature, motivated mind", PETA starts off by showing us how we can "get active" everyday.

1. "Enclose a leaflet with every bill payment and letter." I'd like to argue this point...but I can't. This is actually a good idea. What better way to piss of those that you owe you money, than by sending them propaganda. I'd sent them leaflets just to be an ass, unfortunately, PETA will do it to try to "convert" them. I wonder if Hitler used to send out copies of "Mein Kempf" with his bill payments....

2. "Leave a trail of leaflets wherever you go. Drop off vegetarian literature at your doctor’s office, natural food stores, restaurants, etc. " I think PETA has become the Hansel and Grettell of the real world. Leaving trails of leaflets, except this time, we have to hope that the Witch wins. Man, wouldn't that be a classic example of Poetic Justice...vegetarians getting devoured....anyhow, I digress....

3. "Write a letter to the editor of every magazine or newspaper you read; this is the most-read section of the daily paper and is well read in magazines as well.'' I would like to make a joke about writing to porn rags regarding animal rights, but we all know that 90% of vegetarians are gay. I think PETA and it's supporters should target Christian magazines....Magazines that preach tolerance. And yes, I know the tolerance thing seems contradictory after the gay joke, but c'mon, I'm not saying the gays should stop associating with other, as PETA tells me I shouldn't associate with meat......I'm sensing another gay joke on the radar.

Well, that's it for everyday activism...now it's on too "How to Relate to Others", a.k.a., speaking in terms our dumb cave-dwelling, ape-mimicking, cake having and eating it too, meat eaters will understand.

"Buy grandkids, nieces, nephews, and any other kids in your life great animal-friendly books (like Whose Coat?) and get them free PETA comic books or a subscription to Grrr!" At least they give us enough credit that we can read, but once again...PETA is going straight for the kids with the propaganda. Of all the things that piss me off about PETA, this has to rank right up there. Stop trying to convert the kids, if you want to spread your Nazi Doctrine,. do it with people who can at least try to understand. I know that the logical tactic is aiming at kids, but the way you guys go about it is totally wrong. I hope someone takes your kids to the butcher shop.

"Welcome any newcomers to your neighborhood with a vegan welcome basket complete with vegan food, literature, stickers, and a nice letter with tips on vegetarian-friendly restaurants in town." The upside for the vegans doing this, is that at least the new families will know who not to invite to the BBQ's. Wow. My picture of PETA is becoming clearer, Vegan welcome baskets, vegan literature...PETA and it's supporters are nothing more than Jehovah Witnesses's gone awry.

Finally, I'll leave you with this tidbit...there is much more useless info if you care to read, and yes, I know that half my articles are quotes, but c'mon....no one's reading the PETA articles anyway.

"Taking the Law Into Your Own Hands" PETA has a little subcategory devoted to this. If there's one thing I love about PETA, it's their tolerance and civility.

Happy Thanksgiving

I would just like to wish everyone out there a Happy Thanksgiving, and I just hope that every family, rich or poor, living in mansions or on the streets, has the opportunity to dine on the succulent flesh of a turkey. And even if this is just a Canadian Holiday, I hope that our American brethren take the time out of their day, and show Canada a little bit of respect....and enjoy some turkey, or chicken....maybe even a cheeseburger....that would be acceptable.

Bleak Beauty

In the past months, PETA has implemented a unique solution to a "problem" in Turkey. PETA was angered by local farmers using their animals to move their goods into town to sell. Yes, this practice that has been used for centuries upon centuries as the only means of transportation some farmers have in order to provide financial support for their families. In true PETA fashion, they give us the impression that these farmers are of LESSER importance than the horses they use. In the article " PETA implements unique horse rescue program in Turkey" , the writer states that "In some poverty-stricken areas of Turkey, villagers resort to forcing neglected horses to pull carts carrying heavy loads in the searing heat of the Middle East to earn a meager income." So, we see these peasants as "poverty stricken individuals who earn meager incomes", while the horses are the ones that are neglected. What? Yeah, I guess your right. The farmers aren't neglected, all their needs are met. Of course, the horses just don't pull these "heavy loads", but they are forced to do it in the searing heat. The SAME searing heat that the lowly peasants toiled in for God knows how long preparing their goods, and then loaded onto the horse so these goods could be taken into town, and the lowly peasant would be able to make some money and be allowed to leave another day. God forbid he uses a horse to help him in this!

PETA did try to help the farmers though, with the sponsorship of Corinna Shumacher (the wife of famed F1 driver Micheal Shumacher), they supplied the farmers with trucks. But, they took away their horses, and forced them to sign a legal document stating they'd never use animals for work again. Again I pose the question...What? First off, Animals have been used for work for centuries, for the main fact that they are stronger than humans. A horse is able to withstand more weight than a human is. Now, the argument from PETA would be "Well, with all this new technology, we don't need to use animals." Which is probably why they supplied the farmers with trucks. I can see where they're coming from in that sense.....oh yeah, except for the fact that the farmers don't have the income to purchase some of these assets. And here's the funny part about PETA supplying the farmers with trucks. By stopping this "abuse" to animals which is very much abuse in an ideological sense, they create a new kind of abuse. An abuse in a scientific sense. Trucks pollute the environment. Horses don't. So PETA, I think your angering the Tree Huggers now, you have "solved" a problem, but created a much bigger one. You crowd the roads with more vehicles, that give off more fumes that are harmful to the evironment. I also don't think the farmers are getting brand new trucks, I believe they are getting the older style of trucks, the "not so kind to the environment" style. Look PETA, by attempting to solve one problem, you have instead created a bigger problem.

The thing about trucks is this....they need fuel to run. Fuel isn't free, fuel costs money, farmer loses money. This is just a guess too, but, I don't think the fuel price is at an all time low right now in Turkey. Funny thing about horses is that they don't run on fuel, instead, they run on food, which is cheaper than fuel. Now, if I'm a farmer who is raising crops to sell, the horse can eat those crops, thus I save money. These farmers have to maintain the trucks as well, and by making them legally oblige to "never use animals for work again", you put them in a bad position if their truck breaks down. What do they do? How do they transport they're goods? But that's okay, 'cuz SeaBiscuit doesn't have to carry the food he lives off into town. Seattle Slew can just eat all the farmers crops up, but hey! It's humane. Wait a second, no it's not.

Humane...so, it's okay to be humane to the horses, but not too the farmers who can suffer from losing their animals, or too the environment, which will suffer directly from the trucks> What is with you PETA? We are not equals with animals. We raise them, we feed them, we give them a place to sleep....then we ask them to do jobs for us. Does that kind of sound familiar? I dunno, like what parents do with their kids? Is it humane for parents to ask their kids to help out? What happens when the kid is too physically weak to do the job himself, but good 'ol Mr. Ed is more than adapt? Is it still humane to make the kid do the work?

"The rescued horses were extremely emaciated and dehydrated, and they suffered from untreated illness and injury. Two were in such poor condition that they didn’t respond to veterinary care and were euthanized to end their suffering" Hmmm, sounds an awful like the conditons some farmers that try to provide livings for their families endure as well. The farmers, who have no money, aren't able to stop working if injuries or illness befall them, they still have mouths to feed and families to look after. They need all the help they can get, this is why you have youths forced to work long backbreaking days and this is why you have animals having to help with the work. This isn't an animal rights issue, this is the result of poverty and certain governments refusal or inability to help out. These issues have been going on for centuries, and taking away the farmers animals they use and giving them one truck is not going to fix it. Sure, these animals may never have to work another day in their life, they will never have to be the mode of transportation for the farmers....but these farmers will still have to work 'till the day they die. Giving them the keys to the trucks isn't going to turn their dollars into millions, it's not going to turn their bread to steak, or their water to wine. They depend on these animals, not just for transportation, but for a variety of jobs, and you have taken that away from them.....Great work PETA. Your work touches us all.

Part 2 of PETA and Ebert At the Movies

So, after's PETA's review, they offer us many insightful facts about fish. I would like to share these with you, as I think they are important.

Fact #1: "Fish talk to each other with sounds that humans can hear only with special instruments." Yes, we know of certain fish that do this. The Dolphin and the Whale. Whoa...wait a second....Dolphins and Whale's aren't fish! They're mammals.

Fact #2: "Fish like to be touched and often gently rub against one another—like a cat weaving in and out of your legs." This is some great observation PETA. Living creatures like to be "touched" and "gently rub against one another". This is a scientifically documented fact? The animals enjoy "gently rubbing against one another". First you say the fish talk to each other, and it's common sense that all animals communicate with their species in one way or another, and now you say that the enjoy "gently rubbing against one another". PETA has now become Captain Obvious. And PETA, you can say it...Fish like to fuck.

Fact #3: "Some fish tend well-kept gardens, encouraging the growth of tasty algae and weeding out the types that they don’t like." Whoooooa! That's a curveball, no more Captain Obvious. It seems that are fish friends are not like the slimy creatures we think they are. No, they are more like our good friend Martha Stewart. Come to think of it, yeah, they are slimy creatures.

Fact #4: "Like birds, many fish build nests where they raise their babies; others collect little rocks off the ocean floor to make hiding places where they can rest." What the hell kind of case are you trying to make PETA? Fish raise babies? A lot of fish just leave eggs floating around, and then these eggs get fertilized, then the fish come out, and they swim off. The bigger fish, the Sharks and the dolphins (whoops, dolphins are mammals, not fish) they raise their offspring. But PETA you are going to sit here and tell me that the large majority of ocean dwelling female fish, who lay hundreds of eggs, raise each one? Wow, I'd hate to be the male fish having to pay all that child support.

So all in all, what is PETA's message with these facts? Well, I'm glad you asked. "Believe it or not, all these fish behaviors have been documented by scientists! We don’t often consider the pain and suffering that fish endure before they end up on our plates, but we should: Fish are not swimming vegetables—they are intelligent animals who don’t want to end up as sushi or fish sticks." What? Fish are not swimming vegetables? What the hell? What are you talking about PETA? Swiming vegetables, you better mean vegetable in the "human vegetable" sense. But stil, you picked the wrong word to go with it. Swimming vegetables? Actually, no, you couldn't have meant it in the human vegetative state sense, since one couldn't swim if they were vegetables. So that means one thing, you are nothing but retards. Plain and simple. And your right, they probably don't wanna end up as fish sticks, they could also end up eaten by a big fucking shark. I'm sure that would be much better. Hey PETA, the fish are getting eaten one way or another, deal with it.

PETA Gives "Shark Tale" Two Fins Up!!!

Ahh, it's been awhile since I've been able to post. My journey around the world hunting endangered species really took it's toll on me, anyway, back to the important news. My good friends at PETA are really starting to focus on important issues, like reviewing children's movies. They recently reviewed Dreamworks Shark Tale, and PETA had nothing but praise for it.

"The sea underworld is shaken up when the son of the shark mob boss is found dead and a young fish named Oscar is found at the scene. Being a bottom feeder, Oscar takes advantage of the situation and makes himself look like he killed the finned mobster. Oscar soon comes to realize that his claim may have serious consequences". This is what the movie is based on. Oscar tries to make himself look like a star. The brother of the shark that was killed is named Lenny, and he runs away from his family to help Oscar. Now, Lenny is a vegetarian shark. Yes, a vegetarian shark, just like Mother Nature intended. So here's the rundown, Lenny wants his family to accept him as he is, and Oscar eventually finds out that he can be happy without fame. But yet, PETA spins this as a vegetarian story.

"In less than two hours, Lenny convinces his family and everyone who watches Shark Tale that fish are friends, not food."Ahhh, good job PETA. I thought the writers aimed more at Lenny's father eventually accepting him for who he is. Like a father accepting a gay child. That's what this story is about. Actually, I would argue that 75% of vegetarians ARE gay, so maybe I'm wrong in this.....but either way, the impression I come out with is this....You don't need fame to find happiness and true love (from Oscar), and you should accept people for who they are (from Lenny and his father). But yeah, your right, after I saw this I didn't go out to Wendy's for some chicken nuggets. Nope. I had the salad instead.

But that's not all, PETA is hoping to reach the children through Lenny. "PETA hopes that Lenny will inspire a generation of children to follow his vegetarian example by keeping fish off their plates—and in the ocean where they belong"...Um.....yeah, Lenny is a good role model. His brother is killed, and he runs away to join the enemy. He then FAKES his own death, comes back and disguises himself as a dolphin. Yeah, I hope kids follow that vegetarian example.I hope one day I have 2 sons...1 a bad mother fucker, and 1 a gay vegetarian. Then, I hope the bad mother fucker (a.k.a. the good son) dies, and the gay vegetarian (a.k.a. the disowned son) takes off. After that, I hope I see him get "killed" on national tv, so now I'm totally devastated. I have 2 dead sons. But after all that, after all I've been through, I still hope the disowned son comes back, dressed in womens clothing. Yes, what a great example for all children.

Then here comes the best part of the so called review...."Although Dreamworks’ new blockbuster has a vegetarian shark as a leading character, the movie isn’t filled with as much fantasy as you might think" I love the irony in this statement, "vegetarian shark as a leading character" and "isn't filled with as much fantasy as you might think". Wow. That is so true, 'cuz you see a lot of vegetarian sharks. All those "scientific studies" about sharks being attracted to blood are fake. Look PETA, these are the same sharks that eat you sorry non-meating asses when you try to save them in the ocean! Here's some more irony. Jack Black provides the voice of Lenny, and they praise him for his pro-vegan message. But here's the good part....When Jack Black's character booted the dog over the bridge in Anchorman, they got very upset. So, on one hand, he's a good vegatarian role model...and on the other, he's a cold-blooded dog murderer. Isn't that ironic.....don't ya think?

So all in all, PETA gives this two fins up.......and I'll give them one finger up.