Dog Day Afternoon

Good news America! During the course of your Fourth of July celebrations, PETA is attempting to unchain every dog in America, as July 4 has been christened "Freeing the Dog" day. PETA snapped back on dog owners who chain their dogs up by accusing them of not properly nourishing their dog, refusing to provide them with sufficient “Dog entertainment”, and failing to walk their dogs: “The last time they got a walk, James Madison was in the White House”. Holy hyperbole Batman! PETA is protesting the “cruel” practice by having a man tied to a chain outside St. John’s Church in Richmond, Virginia (which is the site of the “call for freedom”). Wow, a grown man tied to a chain outside of a church….usually you have to pay good money for a show like that.

On the dog’s plight of being chained outside, PETA commented by saying that “being stuck outside alone is like being a prisoner of war”. Really PETA? Most dogs are chained outside when no one is able to supervise them, and this prevents them from escaping and possibly attacking other humans. But yeah, your right, they are exactly like POW’s. Dogs fight for freedom, risking death for their country, and when they are captured, they risk torture and humiliation. But no, I agree PETA, a dog that is tied up with a family inside to regularly feed it is EXACTLY like a Prisoner of War.

PETA then continued to add fuel to the fire with their well thought out war jokes, by comparing the act of chaining your dog as a betrayal worthy of something Benedict Arnold would do. Jeez PETA, what high school kid who just learned about the effects of hyperbole did you hire to write this article? How does that feel Johnny America? Huh? You chain up your dog in order to prevent his escape, that YOU would be responsible for, and for doing that, I guess you are cut from the same cloth as the biggest traitor in American history.

PETA then decided to offer these helpful tips on how the good Samaritans of the world can help these poor poor dogs that are provided with a home, food, and a family that looks after them.

Let owners of backyard dogs know that dogs need food, water, shelter, exercise, and regular trips to the veterinarian. Yeah, just walk right up to their door, knock on it three times, and then tell the owners how they should care for their dog. The same dog that you have seen for approximately 10 seconds and then came to a conclusion that they are neglected. I’m sure the owner will really appreciate that. Hey! Why not just get some Pro-PETA Jehovah’s to do this work, that way we all win. PETA can have their message spread around, as well as the Jehovah’s. But the real winners are the homeowners; they get to be twice as pissed off, which means double the beatings!

Offer to take “forgotten” dogs for walks. This is always a winning strategy. Wander up to a strange house, and then ask to take the dog for a walk….Can’t see any problems with that. And isn’t it also a fact that dogs just love to meet strange new people who walk them away from their home?

If possible, take pictures and write down dates and times when the dog goes without food, water, or shelter. “Complain” about barking. Barking dogs are often lonely, neglected dogs. Either that, or the dogs are barking because some strange Veggie-Burger eating hippie is peering through the bushes at them jotting down notes.